Lost in my own space

Being a mom is hard! Being a spouse (partner) is hard! Working 2 jobs is hard! Having a social life is hard! But the hardest thing of all is keeping yourself YOU while balancing all of this. Being you and only you is so hard. As mom, wives, friends we are constantly putting on different hats every single day, but when do we take all of the hats off and just be us. At what point do we not have any labels attached to us so we can just be us?

Everyday I wake up, wake my daughter up ( I know, she’s 12 and should be waking herself up by now, but we are working on that), get ready for work, drop her off at school, go to work, go home, change, go to work #2, go home, lay down and then I have less than an hour before it’s bedtime. Mixed in with all of that is maintaining a relationship, laundry, cleaning up, drop off/pick up for after school activities and then whatever else pops up along the way. At the end of the day I am spent. I am exhausted and sometimes I feel guilty for that because I feel like this is what I am supposed to do. This is my life now and I need to accept it. But do I??? The day went on and I didn’t think to check on myself… should I just accept that? I am exhausted and I feel guilty… should I just accept that? The only day of the week that is even partially free is Sunday… out of 7 days I get one…should I accept that as well? When can I take off this balancing act of hats and just be me?

Or after having kids and committing into a relationship, are you YOU anymore? Does that free spirited, fun loving, relaxed, younger version of you still exist or did she pack her bags and move away to the beach without you? As I ponder these things, I think, maybe she did leave me. Maybe she just isn’t here anymore. The mom, wife, chauffeur, cleaning lady, workaholic has taken over. But do I really miss her? Do I miss the person that would spend her weekends drinking at the local bar? Do I miss the person that was irresponsible with money and could barely pay bills? Do I miss the person that couldn’t commit into a relationship because I would get bored too easy? No, I honestly, don’t…. So that leaves me with “Who am I?”.

That leaves me lost. I find myself questioning daily who I am. Am I this strong, independent woman that can do everything on my own and I can find bits and pieces of the old me? Or do I feel more value in being needed and a little co-dependent on the people that I’ve surrounded myself with? How do we find ourselves… our true selves?? I’ve lost the old me and I’m ok with that. I do love the labels and titles that I’ve accepted into my life. They bring me joy and give me purpose. But when do I get to find ME again? This journey is such an odd one because I feel so lost and so incredibly found all at the same time.

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3 thoughts on “Lost in my own space

  1. Oh honey you better get up and go find her! I know it’s hard I’m here with you! I have a 13 year old, a toddler, day job, a fiancé and a billion side jobs to provide for all those people and run this blog. I had to get selfish with my time and demand time to get to know myself for the sake of my mental health. I know I can’t pour for an empty cup and I do a lot. I’m
    Pretty vocal when I feel overwhelmed. I’ve had a nervous breakdown before so I know to tell people “hey, I’m not ok mentally and I just need to do things today that make me feel good” so sometimes that means the family eats leftover and we just pile in bed watching whatever I pick on Netflix because my brain just needs to not “brain” or I have a “shaycation” every couple weeks I have a date with myself. I go to the winery and stare, sip wine, write book and recharge. I write it big and bold on the calendar and I let everyone know that’s my date with myself.. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I’m still important.. I had to find that girl inside to be the best mom, wife, blogger, unpaid Uber, paw patrol watcher I could be and it’s hard at first for you have to fight for yourself. No one else will. Fight for HER! She’s in there.

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    1. Thanks so much for the motivation. Someitmes you just feel guilty for leaving everything behind for a little bit t focus on yourself. I need to practice alone time and fully enjoying it. I get alone time every once in a while but I end up doing laundry or cleaning. I gotta remember to slow down.

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