A for Effort, F for Failure

Let me preface this whole thing by saying I am not a cook. I am not good at it nor do I really enjoy it. I think I may be recipe reading illiterate. I have no patience to sit and wait for things to be done. Most likely I am cooking because I am hungry so why would I enjoy having food in my face and not being able to eat it for 30 min to and hour. On top of that I was raised with a father that was ex-military and always in a hurry. His theory was that eating is a waste of time. Basically just trow something in your mouth while your about to walk out the door… don’t chew… just swallow… it all has the same outcome. So needless to say I was not raised on gourmet meals. My boyfriend does ALL of the cooking. He is amazing at it! He can take any ingredients from the house and make a beautiful meal without a recipe. I, on the other hand, can take a very detailed, easy recipe and turn it into a disaster. My daughter loves to tell the story about the time I burnt Mac and Cheese. I don’t know how exactly I did that but it’s definitely a very true story.

So in this conquest to get healthy and start the keto diet I was going to have to learn to make some of my own meals. Fortunately for me the premise of keto is eating a lot of meat and my boyfriend is a great griller so that part is taken care of. I was just going to have to learn how to do the rest. I figured I would start with some desserts. Those seem easy enough as a starter. Mind you, I can barely cook with real ingredients but then you throw these “artificial sweeteners” in the mix and the directions say things like “optional” or “add to your liking” and things get a little crazy. My first adventure was a keto friendly blueberry cheesecake. Sounds delicious right? Welp, it wasn’t. I realized after the fact that I had printed the recipe out in metric form. The recipe called for 6 large eggs, which even I know that’s a lot. I baked it and it literally came out tasting like breakfast. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I was going for dessert, not breakfast. My boyfriend actually suggested cooking some bacon and crumbling it on top. Of course he did. He would know how to turn a disastrous dessert into a delicious breakfast meal. The worst part of the “dessert for breakfast” fiasco was that I realized I had messed up while the first one was in the oven so I made a second one. They both turned out awful!

I almost quit after that but with the help of my boyfriend ( he’s really good about giving me pep talks on cooking so hopefully I will learn one day and he doesn’t have to do all of the cooking) I decided to try something else. This time I tried something that was no bake. I tried the keto peanut butter cups. I melted Lily’s dark chocolate chips and used organic peanut butter. You freeze them for about 30 minutes and then you can eat them. They turned out great! Just go back and read the sentence that says “no bake” that’s why they actually turned out edible. A few days later I made a second batch. Naturally, after successfully making two desserts (again, no bake) that were edible I decided to try my hand again at the cheesecake.

This time I chose a set of directions that I could understand and weren’t in a foreign numbers language. Actually, I got in above my head and printed out like 3 different recipes. One was for a keto bread. One was for cauliflower rice and the other one was the cheesecake. Once I got to the store I chose to stick only with the cheesecake. Not only was 3 recipes a lot for my brain to try and grasp but it was also a lot for my wallet to try and grasp. I got home and started on the cheesecake. Only 2 eggs this time was required so I immediately felt better. I mixed everything together. This recipe gave the option for an artificial sweetener. I added the suggested amount and began to bake. It took soooo long! Finally, it was done!! It wasn’t very pretty but it looked edible. I took a bite and…. DISGUSTING!!! GARBAGE!! HORRIBLE!!! What had I just put into my body!?!? Did I even read the right recipe. Was this actually a recipe for dog food??? How did I screw up this bad? I was so disappointed! Of course my boyfriend came through and carefully worded his thoughts on the cheesecake so it almost sounded like a compliment. I failed horribly, but he was so kind about it.

I’ve realized cooking isn’t my thing, at all! If there was a contest on who could take a recipe and make it taste to worst, I would win. But, I am proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone and trying something I hate. I may try again one day. Until then my house will be overloaded in no-bake chocolate peanut butter cups.

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4 thoughts on “A for Effort, F for Failure

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