So today I dropped my daughter off at cheer camp…. and I cried… like a baby! Of course I waited until I walked away (she was already embarrassed because I was THAT mom taking pictures of everything) but I couldn’t help it! Once I got in the car the waterworks started. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying, but as I sat there wallowing in my snot and tears I started thinking about the last 12 years… and I realized I literally cry at every big step she takes in life.
Last year, at the end of school she had a school musical. She didn’t have a big part in it, but when it was her turn to do her little part, I lost it! Every birthday, I can’t even get through the song without getting that burning feeling in my throat. Kindergarten graduation… I cried. First day of school, every single year… I’ve cried. Cheer tryouts… I cried. When she made the squad… I cried. I use to pride myself on not crying at everything. That’s my mom’s job. I always made fun of her for crying at, what I thought back then, was the most ridiculous things! But here I am doing the same thing!
I started to wonder am I crying out of happiness or sadness… It is tears of joy or is it tears of realizing that with every big step she takes she’s one day closer to leaving? This little person that once upon a time needed me for survival now only needs me for money (not really, but some days it seems that way)is slowly taking these steps and is only 6 short years from moving on. The days go by so slowly but the years go by quickly. And, of course, at that point anxiety kicked in! Next is high school, prom, graduation, college, marriage,babies… and out of nowhere I was suddenly a grandmother! And just like that the tears became a flood! Where did my baby go?? How did time slip away like this?? After I got a grip on life a little, I realized how exciting these times are for her. She is just beginning to learn about life. The reasons I am sad are selfish reasons. I should be excited for her! But is there a point where I stop crying at everything she accomplishes??
I was finally able to drive away (don’t worry, I lost it one more time before I got out of the parking garage). I am so excited to see what God blesses her with throughout life! But if you’re wondering, I will be burrowed in my bed with a bottle (or two) of wine, crying off and on all weekend.